The word “give” is a part of forgiveness. For December, the positivity project is focusing on how forgiving is giving yourself a gift. When people cause us hurt, we might feel angry or betrayed, and we might want justice. Yet we rarely get the justice we desire, and we usually end up carrying the negative emotions around with us. We ruminate over our injury and stay angry with the perpetrator. This poisons even other relationships, and can lead to bearing grudges or feuding. Holding onto an injustice keeps us looking in the rearview mirror instead of ahead. When we become consumed with anger or resentment, we’ve let the other person or their actions own a piece of our future. This does not allow us to be our best self and it can be toxic to us and others and can affect our teams in the workplace.
Forgiveness is not a simple topic to talk about. Every person has their unique situation. Forgiveness also has many layers or levels. For example, if someone bumps into you, you may initially feel anger, but it’s usually short lived and easy to forget about. When the injury is more significant, it’s not that easy. I was recently talking with someone whose sister was murdered. She will never forgive the person who took her sister away from her forever. She cannot forgive him. She has set healthy boundaries in her life to prevent that level of hurt from getting to her again. She doesn’t hold onto the anger she feels. She has accepted reality and can still find joy in her life, but she can’t and won’t move to the stage of forgiveness.
I recently listened to an interview with Amanda Knox. She was wrongfully accused of murder and served four years in prison before she was acquitted, and the real killer was convicted. Yet, still, there were many who wouldn’t accept her innocence. Amanda shared in the interview that the one thing she had and still has control over is her own mind. She can control her feelings and thoughts. She chooses to avoid indulging in the anger and hurt. It has helped her to move on and to heal. Miroslav Volf, a theologian who teaches at the Yale Divinity School, used the metaphor for forgiveness as going from stuck to unstuck. “The done deed cannot be undone, so to forgive is unsticking the deed from the doer.” To forgive is to be free from the burden of it.
Research suggests that forgiveness benefits our physical and mental health. Physically, there is a reduction in cardiac stress, and you get better sleep once you’ve forgiven someone. There are improvements in immune function and less fatigue. Mentally, those who can forgive show less depression, a decrease in negative emotions and an increase in hope and compassion. Forgiveness is a voluntary act. You can’t force someone to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t always a one and done process either. It may be messy. You may be able to forgive and then something happens, and you go backwards and can’t forgive. Then through new willingness or motivation, you may be able to forgive a little and a little more. Volf shares that we can grow into forgiveness. It’s less of a single act and more of a process. Two steps forward and one step back is OK. There is release through forgiveness. There are no happy, beautiful, interpersonal relationships without forgiveness. It can give us back social connections, which not only benefits ourselves, but those around us.
This year give yourself the gift of forgiveness.
The hardest thing for some of us is to forgive ourselves for those things out of our control. For example, a ‘look’ someone may interpret as anger, disgust, yet one may not be aware they have it on their face. Comments may be made, assumptions based on things you don’t know are happening. And then there is the piece where we aren’t aware of what storm another person may be going through. Bottom line? I try to slow down…let kindness guide my mood and movements. Smile alot. Even on those days where my own ‘storm’ is cloudy, getting a returned smile or kindness helps.
Forgiving others, even when the other person won’t apologize or change has set me free from the chains of holding onto grudges. I am grateful that God has helped me forgive many long held grudges. As a Christian Catholic we are taught that forgiveness is an act of our free will, our choice and to ask God to grant us the grace to forgive even if we don’t feel like it. Feelings come and go but we have free will. The choice is ours. It helps me to have mercy for others as God has had mercy for me many many times.
Great article and so difficult to do, but when we allow ourselves to be open to forgiveness (especially of ourselves), life is so much more easier to tackle!
Holding onto a negative feeling of being hurt or not moving forward from feeling betrayed can not only affect yourself, but may affect others as well, which may not be realized. Sometimes, we rely on each other for positivity throughout the day and if you are projecting not-so-positive emotions, whether you know it or not, others can sense something is amiss and that may also throw off their focus or positivity ever so slightly. Your story is about you so forgive yourself and others and let your story BE about YOU!
Have the best day ever!!